Trump Cards

Introducing the Trump Gold Card™ — because who needs merit when you’ve got money and a MAGA mug embossed in 24K gold? For just $5 million, you too can buy your way into freedom, capitalism, and unlimited Mar-a-Lago brunches.

Comes with:

• Lifetime supply of fake steaks

• A free round of golf at an abandoned resort

• Access to the VIP deportation lounge (just in case)

For just $5 million, you too can live the American Dream—terms and delusions may apply*

No jobs? No problem. Just bring cash and we’ll call you a patriot.

Green card? That’s so 20th century. Upgrade to Gold—where liberty has a price tag.

Do you hate borders but love branding? Tired of boring visas that don’t scream opulence? Then call now and get not just one, but TWO Trump Cards—just pay separate shipping, handling, and federal moral compromise!

Tired of standing in long immigration lines like a commoner? Want to buy your freedom the American way? Introducing… the TRUMP GOLD CARD!

It’s the best card. The greatest card. People are saying it’s shinier than the Ark of the Covenant.

For just FIVE EASY PAYMENTS of ONE MILLION DOLLARS, you too can own a golden rectangle President Trump an eagle, and Lady Liberty—because subtlety is for losers

• Gain instant legal residency

  
  

• Skip the green card line with style

  
  

• Flash it at TSA for “extra attention”

  
  

• Win arguments at Thanksgiving

  
  

• Automatically match with 3 Russian bots on Patriot Dating™

The Trump Gold Card. It’s not just a visa—it’s a lifestyle. A “winning” lifestyle. And remember… no refunds.